GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Good morning haters!

   When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of her brain has been activated. Abort mission.

   Why thank you sir! Means a lot to me!

   I hear lots of jokes I can steal.

   Shhhh hear that??? (Hears crickets). That's the sound of your audience to your bad jokes.

   Says the guy who keeps insulting random strangers on the Internet and who won't even reveal himself.

   Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs aren't one of them.

   Loser huh??? I'm not the one sitting in my mother's basement bullying and making fun of other people and trying to remain anonymous about it! If you're going to bully someone, why don't you show yourself???

   Exactly! The more they try to come at me, the stronger I get and the harder I laugh at them.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I asked her to sit down and be quiet. She couldn't do either.

   You can walk around Walmart and eat grapes and nobody bothers you, but as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken, here comes security.

   Like I said before: Newsflash, I'm not going anywhere. In fact, the more ignorant you get, the stronger I get. So it doesn't do you any good to keep trying to attack me.

   Whoever named it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti missed a great opportunity.

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

   I just bought $200 worth of groceries... And then ordered pizza because I don't feel like cooking after the hassle of buying groceries!

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently "A way out" wasn't the right answer.

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for motivation.

   Hi

   I tried to play hide and seek. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off the leash.

   Wife: Have you seen the broom? Me: Where did you put it when you landed?