Funny Status Messages

   If a liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that. What are they?"

   Happy Thanksgiving ya turkeys!

   Technically, your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

   A dolphin is just a fish with a better PR team.

   The ocean is technically soup and now my brain hurts.

   My dangerous sport? Disagreeing with my wife.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders

   Happy Thanksgiving! Just remember that Black Friday shoppers can still block and tackle better than the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving. Let that sink in!

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.

   Yesterday, I left work pretending to be sick. Today, two colleagues didn't show up, claiming they caught it from me. Freaking liars!

   I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. And I hope you have a happy today too.

   Before Walmart existing you would have to buy a ticket to see a bearded lady

   At this age my biggest fashion question or fashion rule is… Can I nap in it?

   I don’t understand plant-based burgers. It’s like vegetarians are saying “this tastes like a cow because cows are delicious”

   I'm about to start telling folks different stories about my life. So when they get together to gossip, they just end up arguing.

   If medicine worked you wouldn't need to refill your prescription... If food worked you wouldn't have to keep eating. Not all medicines are cures, some prevent things.

   I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   Maybe money can't buy happiness, but I think it's only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.

   I remember the last gal I picked up from the bar.... not a beauty but not ugly either. I mean she was covered with ten foot pole marks....