Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis

   When French people swear, do they say excuse my English?

   As I was driving in the city I saw my ex crossing the street and the term, "I'd hit that", took on a whole new meaning!

   Thanks to A.I seeing a baby with a Mullet and a beard seems perfectly normal these days

   In many cases, dogs aren't always man's best friend. They're one man's best friend. They're usually everyone else's enemy.

   I trust CNN about as far as I can throw MSNBC.

   Happy F@g Month, El Freakos.

   John, I have two bad news, which one do you want to hear first?" "Combine them!" "Your wife cheats us!"

   why do people spend all day at work talking about going to the bar, then spend all night at the bar talking about work?

   I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved

   Weed smoking and turkey pulling today. Oops…reverse those verbs. Sorry

   Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

   I got some Dr. Scholl's shoe cushions. I don't think a Doctorate Degree is needed to come up with shoe cushions. I would have bought them from a Mr. Scholl.

   So...why does Dairy Queen feel the need to turn my Blizzard upside down after all these years? I get it. You can stop doing it now.

   Schifoso cat bastidz.

   My mother-in-law asked me to get her something to drink with her name on it. So I got her a Monster. And that's how the fight started!

   I had corn flakes for dinner.

   No, there is no indication that the current Kentucky Governor, Andy Beshear, has removed or gotten rid of tornado sirens. In fact, Kentucky emergency officials emphasize that sirens are a vital part of the warning system, particularly for those outside in