Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone accused me of cheating at board games. I pretty sure they were just jealous I could win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

   Stop dating men who look like they'd steal the copper out of your IUD.

   Now that I've gotten older, I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle- age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.

   Tip: If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was in the movies, don’t google ‘old man bond age’ (trust me).

   Feeling like I have been eaten by a coyote and pooped off a cliff

   When I was younger, 'potluck' meant you were able to score weed in less than 3 days.

   Hey did you guys catch Jimmy Kimmel lastnight? Me either

   People complain about gas prices but pay for gym memberships and don’t even go.

   So, Howard Stern, Steven Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel walk into a bar together.

   I hate when a TV chef says you can easily make this from stuff in your pantry. I'm still waiting for them to show me how to make something out of ramen noodles, potato chips, and a half eaten bag of Oreos.

   I don't hate you but I'd pay to see you take a Trailer hitch to the shin !

   Our entire planet is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere placed on a shelf in an alien student's classroom as a science fair project that got a C minus.

   Can't wait until November 2nd when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Can't wait until march 9th when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   Big ass booty