Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked 'wonderful tonight', or if it was the 15th outfit she tried on and he just wanted to get to the party and get a drink. 🤔🎸😂

   The proprietor of this channel has a bad case of ligginma. Ligginma nuts.

   I identify as a donkey. My pronouns are Hee/Haw.

   I have been marked safe from being on the Epstein list.

   has been marked safe from a kiss cam at a major event.

   A cop asked if I'd had anything to drink, and I thought it would be amusing to do a little Sinatra for him. So I sang, "Beers. I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention." We laughed and gave each other a high five and now I'm in jail.

   buy ur girl Coldplay tickets or else her boss will

   what do you call a group of humans? an infestation

   Judo is what you use to make bagels. 🥯

   I don't know what's worse: Being caught cheating at a Coldplay concert, or just plain caught being at a Coldplay concert.

   I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.

   Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

   f Oxygen was discovered in 1772.... what did people breathe before then?

   Old groupies never die. Their pussies merely dry up and wither away.

   As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got Facebook.

   If humans are involved, the propensity for disaster exists.

   I tried to find powdered eggs for a camping trip. None to be found anywhere. I found out powdered chickens are on strike.

   I'm not giving you the middle finger; I'm showing half of a peace sign.

   The more I study the differences between the Beatles as a group vs their solo careers, the more I realize that the Beatles as a group could have been easily named the George Martin Project.