Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They said iv got ADHD and it's the most ............ Hey look a Squirrel

   Remember those days when people used to write diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don't read them.

   It's not snowing!

   Sometimes you just have to tell someone you can keep talking, but I'm going to hang up right now.

   I'm going to eat straight corn for supper tonight so I'll have something for the bird feeder in the morning

   The book on marriage says, "Treat your wife like you treated her on the first date". So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents house.

   The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis.

   I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully I was at work.

   I grew up a stones throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

   Work is like a browser: 20 tabs open, 5 frozen, and you have no idea where the music is coming from.

   I hate when I'm on Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.

   The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "amigo". Am I in a gang now?

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. How special does that personalized horoscope feel now?

   The reason that partakers of marijuana tend to enjoy Hostess® and Little Debbie® snack-cakes is because they're 'baked goods.'

   My wife's New Year's resolutions: 1. I will not nag my husband. 2. I will not boss my husband around. 3. I will obey my husband's every command.

   Facebook should have notifications like: "Karen and Steven took your post personal. Do you want to unfriend those people?"

   We would probably be better off if Y2K had actually destroyed all computers back in the year 2000

   Dear single women, please stop saying you should give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, please don't force an innocent cat to live with you.

   Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next". So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.