Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The Pope was a very good Christian, but not a very good Catholic."

   I'm pretty much still in control of most of my bodily functions last time I farted, it was almost all gas.

   If Pope Francis reappears in 3 days, I don't know what to tell you.

   What's the difference between Karate and Judo? Karate is a form of self-defense. Judo is what bagels are made of.

   Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to “Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!”?

   Jesus had a lesser known brother named Mordecai. He was unpopular for his much reviled practice of changing wine into water.

   Hi, I'm a bimbo. I never have anything substantive to say, but I post pics of my low-cut blouse exposing my knockers and get more attention than a car with a flat tire stopped along I-95.

   Take THAT, ya J€w baztidz.

   We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails!

   "Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company"

   As I sit here kind of hazy, I wonder is it me, or all the rest who are crazy?

   I know the feeling. The lady in the vegetable sections at Publix Supermarket was getting frustrated with trying to open one of those plastic bags. She recently had plastic surgery but you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   A guy said to me, "Hey, buddy. You got 10 dollars for a sandwich?" I told him, "Let me see the sandwich"

   Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

   Way more fun being in my 20s in the 70s than in my 70s in the 20s

   .rehtafdnarg sih fo serutcip edun ot ffo gnikrej morf kcab si toggaf efil on ,nwod sbmuht ehT !kool ,hO

   I can't believe all the Me×icans who are taking Amer¡can jobs. Amer¡can jobs previously held by 16 year olds.

   If you perform in a guy and a gal musical duo, and you play to the Monday thru Thursday dinner crowd at a volume level where you can hear a pin drop... your career has epically failed.

   An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time would eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare.

   Coffee doesn’t make the world go round, but it sure makes the ride more bearable