Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.

   I'm not always productive as I could be... My brain has too many tabs open.

   I'm just a boy, looking at a girl. Ohh look, she has nachos. I'm just a boy, looking at nachos

   Why do girls associate their selfies with a deep yet irrelevant quote? I do not understand the correlation

   I grew up in a Catholic Church and befriended the priest. It's a touching story.

   When black men pick cotton... All I can think of is the good ol' days! Praise Jesus.

   RIP DJ E-Z Rock...May your eternal journey home be filled with more Joy than Pain

   Remember the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones all get each other's mail.

   NOW ON EBAY - NBA TEAM for sale! previous owner with plantation mentality.

   can people who are paralysed from the waist down fart?

   ♫♫♫♫♫ The sounds of violence ♫♫♫♫♫

   “What I am is what I am… what you are is under arrest

   we can find old Atari games in a landfill but we can't find an AIRPLANE!?!?

   My Futon pulls out, but I dont

   If my boyfriend wants to break up, he has to make a 16-slide powerpoint with his sources cited on why and if I don't like it then we are still going out

   You don’t know how much someone is worth to you until you sell them out.

   You never really notice how many dogs bark on TV until you have a dog that barks back.

   If you’ve ever run out of alcohol then looked around the room for something to f cuk you up…then you’re a lot like me.