Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

   The more attractive you are, the creepier you can be without raising eyebrows.

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   I've come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy walk into a bar. They have a great time, they're friends. It's 2014 you racist punks

   People b**ching in the express line about the lady writing a check will be p!ssed when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Bud Lite.

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet? Step the fu*k up

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli

   I like my coffee so black not even Donald Sterling will drink it

   If you're in a relationship and all you do is cry everyday, you need to stop and ask yourself: "Am I dating a HUMAN or an ONION?"😂😜

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.

   At least Donald Sterling's schedule just freed up for all those KKK meetings he's been missing.

   I'd do anything for love... except get married.

   My son just said he doesn't like bacon and now I have to kill the mailman

   I never understand why kids just start crying out of the blue. What’s up? You remember you can’t wipe your ass? Or mad you can’t eat steak?

   Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.

   My wife isn't a Buffalo Bills fan... but she sure loves choking if ya know what I mean ;)

   Oprah wants to buy the LA Clippers? The only dribbling she knows are the ones she gets on the corner of her mouth when she sees red velvet cheesecake.