Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm really sorry that I haven't been around for the past few days. I've been out collecting money to buy a basketball team. So far, I've got $47.62 in checks, $2.50 in change, an IOU for $5, a Canadian penny and a button. I'm getting really excited

   Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.

   Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!

   I think I'm going to change my kids' middle names to "DANGER" just so they can tell people Danger is their middle name...YEAH BABY!!

   Donald Sterling said to be confused as to why Jameis Winston would steal crab legs and not fried chicken.

   Jameis Winston will appear on the covers of both EA Sports "NCAA Football '14" AND "Grand Theft Crustacean."

   Your yoga pants just say OUTSTRETCHED.

   Being straight means sexualizing some unusual inanimate objects, particularly beer bubbles and mops.

   Moral compass? Is there an app for that?

   So they will not be changing the name to the LA cotton clippers? Shooo! That was close. That could have turned alot of shirts inside out.

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   Okla. killer dies after botched execution. How long did it take his victim to die after being shot and buried alive?

   I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

   I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...

   I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life prolonging my childhood.

   You know what’s more annoying than worrying about a cop pulling you over? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

   No Jamies Winston, FSU does NOT stand for Free Seafood University

   I'm sorry, I thought we were at the swimsuit competition part of this job interview. Please hand me my towel.

   Thinking of getting another bed just for all my laundry