Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys.. You ever see a very attractive female and think "man, I have no idea how she could be single" and then she says 4 sentences, and it all makes sense...

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Save a tree, use a sock.

   Spoiler alert: Spoilers on cars are stupid.

   hey people who pull the finger in pics; what;s wrong? Did the camera lens bully you?

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notificationwe will get will be: “You have to install driver to addfriends”.

   If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?

   Are people that smoke weed and sit around on the couch all day called Baked Potatoes?

   Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

   Maury Povich is married to Connie Chung. Do you think before sex he sings Wang Chung tonight?

   I do not need to be reminded it's the 5th of May in a different language. . .

   recovering from this long work day with my friend, Char...donnay!

   I don't get why any woman stays single. You would think they would get married so they can let themselves go.

   Anybody know the phone number where I can buy a couple of those Nigerian girls?

   This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.

   liverpool u've never been this close, but that crystal comeback was sensational reminds of liverpool vs ac millan

   "I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo" - Said no Juan ever

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.