Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Native Indians: “Turn in your firearms, they will protect you.”

   I went to a job interview the other day , Lady said She had 3 openings, I said I know .. still waiting for the call.

   Was up all night again trying to figure out how I would describe Yahtzee to a deaf person without using the jerk-off motion.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   Of course God knows about the bad things that happen. But, unlike lefticles, he has to be invited to intervene in your life.

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more interesting.

   I’m old school, I still believe in respect.

   Cain killed Abel with a rock, God blamed Cain, not the rock.

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   How many of you are 12 years old and playing with your mother’s phone while she’s asleep?

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   LGBTQ=Lets Get Biden To Quit !

   Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space. OK, bad joke. Only three stars.

   Filled my car up with gas and tried to pay with my flexible spending card. The attendant said it can only be used for medical issues. I said the price of gas makes me sick. Apparently that doesn't qualify

   You can't sell electric cars if gas is cheap. If you don't think that's part of the plan, you're not paying attention.