Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in.

   F'n auto correct....I typed in "I like a dark ale", but it typed, "I like a dark @$$." Now every black woman on facebook is hitting me up.

   Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed yo midunderstanding you.

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   I've officially met everyone's mother yesterday via Facebook so I'm pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies

   You know what else is gluten free? Cigarettes.

   I'm pretty sure Facebook is marriage: lots of falling in love and zero sex

   I gave up on everyone, don't make this about you.

   There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

   They say sex cures everything, but this broken foot isn't getting any better.

   I only date women that aren't my wife.

   If by multitasking you mean obsess and worry about a million things all at the same time then yes I'm multitasking.

   With the way he supports them, I won't be surprised if Obama admits that he is also gay!

   If you want to be equal why would you need to be congratulated for being gay?

   Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.

   Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   Yes tell everyone who cares to listen about how Monday sucks so we all know what a bore you are.

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah,one of my Facebook friends has 189 likes on photo and yes she is half naked I think she is ready to go pro."