Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Casey Kasem found safe today in Washington state. Overheard nearby: "And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you darn kids."

   If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.

   Micheal Sam is good enough at publicly wanting privacy he could be a Kardashian!

   If Nancy Pelosi gets one more facelift , she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil .

   Donald Sterling, Solange, and Michael Sam walk into a bar,,,,who am I kidding, Donald Sterling would NEVER was into a bar with either of them.....

   Tom has a lot of space. He named his website very accurately.

   Someone should tell all the policemen, teachers, firefighters and military people that apparently the real hero's are public gays...

   I knew you were trouble when you said you didn’t drink.

   Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm

   Ladies: be careful if you wear spaghetti straps. It distracts us guys because it makes us think about pasta. And we will do anything to get pasta.

   Hey part-time Christians; The word of God was meant to be kept not borrowed whenever and wherever it suits you.

   You dug the hole you're in... now stop whining and start climbing.

   Heaven: mozzarella cheese Hell: cottage cheese

   Wish my Google phone had "I'm Feeling Lucky" button when I want to be the 10th caller.

   Sleeping is so old school, there's no technology involved

   The fast food strike is today. I wonder who will get my order wrong now?

   Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

   If a woman's shorts are big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, then chances are she is not.

   Weird how it’s always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy

   One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.