Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I had a glass of wine and ruined our relationship.

   Show your partner you care by pretending they are the only person you sext.

   I'm no expert but I think your Facebook status updates can be used for your insanity defense.

   I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.

   My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."

   Saturdays hold the distinction of being the day of the week that has the least amount of facebook activity. It's good to know that many folks still have a life 1/7 of the time.

   I'm pretty sure my counting sheep are out parting with Mary's little lamb and Baa Baa Black Sheep.............

   This is the only way I know how to correctly usea semi-colon ;)

   Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.

   I do dirty things when I'm home alone like the dishes, the laundry, all the housework,

   Why are the people who are always demanding respect the ones who least deserve it?

   Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.

   Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.

   E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.

   If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

   If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pri.ck