Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared about it so much that they've been singing about it ever since.

   You know I don't care about losing some people that don't wanna be in my life anymore, I lost people that meant the WORLD to me and I am still doing just fine.

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.

   If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.

   I called the surgery this morning to book an appointment for my annual check up. I just hope the receptionist can spell!!!

   When I was in high school I was suspended for fingering a girl behind the bike shed. Now my son is in junior school and history is repeating itself. I've been arrested this time though.

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my d.....

   My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell 'em: "You're gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!

   Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my doo

   Don't you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick???

   No job is too big for me to ignore.

   Kraft is recalling more than a million cases of cottage cheese because they weren’t stored at the right temperature. Isn’t that how you MAKE cottage cheese?

   If you don't take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?

   The death of Friends star David Schwimmer this afternoon came as a huge shock to me, but it's made me realize how this s ite is a primary source of news to many people. Which is why you just believed me that David Schwimmer is dead.

   Fact: People that don't like pizza are on a most wanted list somewhere.

   A "High Class" tattoo has to be the greatest oxymoron ever!

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.