Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice try "blocked" number, but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.

   America sacrificed its hero's to be free, so idiots like you can post stupid status

   The only bad beer is an unopened one.

   I don't mean to brag but I'm still single.

   Axe just released 3 new scented body sprays. 1 New skateboard 2 Halo 3 3 Mom I'm hungry

   Not to brag, but I'm a functioning Facebook addict.

   Candy corn is just like regular corn except it dances on poles and doesn't know who it's dad is

   Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do

   Call me a hoarder if you want but don't come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

   My biggest regret in life is missing you..., When I backed up

   It's conceivable that a gynecologist could triple his client base just by developing Parkinson's

   Do you think anyone would be offended if I added them to my "Masturbated To" list? Asking for a friend.

   Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.

   Happy Memorial Day to all. Even the 90% of Americans who don't know the difference between today and Veteran's day.

   I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

   My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how freaking stupid some people are.

   The lifeguard kicked me out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the water. I said, why are you picking on me? everybody else does it ? he said yeah, but not from the diving board you d*ck head.