Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.

   You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.

   I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.

   Never tell your wife she is just like her mother, even if it's true.

   Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they're and there.

   FYI all you taking those stupid FB quiz's... EVERYONE is getting Rockstar status.... so is it really your calling? No. Your calling is wasting time taking Facebook quiz's.

   Hey kids, see those cool Red Bull commercials? Yeah, that ain't gonna happen...

   Ignorance begets overconfidence and it is harmful when these people are in positions of authority.

   I hate it when women wear pink camouflage. I'm like, where you hiding? Candyland?

   Sorry I photobombed your pic, but I needed an alibi.

   I'm more P0rnhub than Pinterest.

   I'm fine, she said, Don't worry about it she said, Go hang out with your friends she said I'm having a bonfire with all your stuff she said

   watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college

   So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.

   When someone calls you to tell you they’re coming over to your house and you lie you’re not home because you don’t want to wear pants.

   I never hit on women with profile pics that are tilted. If she's too lazy to rotate her pics once what makes you think she'll ever want to be on top?

   If I was religious I'd probably just argue with God a lot.

   Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.

   When I'm a billionaire, I will use cats instead of toilet paper.

   I don't care for how many years human beings have been following a certain routine, custom or culture, if it doesn't make sense to me imma still gonna question it.