Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello passengers, this is your pilot speaking and it's going down. I'm yelling timber

   I like to think that "I don't give a f*&k', but I don't not give a f*&k nearly as much as this dude sitting next to me on the train whos watching hardcore anime p0rn.

   So I want you Close your eyes and think of something that you either want or need that would make you happy..dissapointing, right?

   My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he's all wagging his tail, but I know he's not listening. I get it ladies

   The amount of stuff coming out of this woman's handbag as she searched for her keys, I wouldn't be surprised if that missing Malaysian plane is in there too.

   I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren't we helping to find them?

   You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever" !

   Are you still a girl if you don't put a smile face at the end of a text?

   Dear customer service: I’m typing this with my middle fingers, if that tells you anything about my satisfaction.

   He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.

   Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: You thought I was black? Cop: Haha. Yep. You're free to go sir

   I'm just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I'm unlucky enough to be a part of

   My love life is so boring that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are going to make a movie about it.

   My wife caught me again on the couch with my iPad & a hand towel while I was putting lotion on my feet with my pants off.

   I often wonder, people with full body art tattoos. Does their $hit come out rainbow colored. . .

   One man's women crush Wednesday is another man's throw back Thursday.

   Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.

   Can you honor Maya Angelou by not pretending that you knew much about her?

   I drank a weight loss shake, immediately weighed myself and I gained 12 ounces...this stuff is a bunch of malarkey!