Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership.

   Forecast calls for thunderstorms in Europe today. France surrenders...

   Financial planning? You mean being pretty?

   The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it's Science

   In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

   Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new

   For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

   Being heckled during sex is the worst.

   You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you sh*t glitter.

   I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.

   Sometimes it is best not to talk unless you can improve on the silence.

   My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her. I just swam to the surface.

   Well, another family reunion ruined when Grandpa started talking about Grandma's dusty muffin again...

   If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

   What can I say about Kanye West that he already hasn't said himself?

   I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

   While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

   What do you say when God sneezes?

   My wife will buy anything marked down. The other day she brought home an escalator.

   This homeless dude comes to me and ask for money. He said “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I said “Don’t worry. It still states the same.”