Funny Status Messages

   Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

   We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

   As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

   If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

   Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windshield

   actually don’t have any problems, I only go therapy to brag

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think I'll call my bank and find out..🙂

   My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral...I'm painting Switzerland

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Four of my neighbors have disappeared.

   New research shows that the average adult forgets three things each day. The most common are Internet passwords, charging cell phones, and . . . something else, I forget.

   Will one of you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   Yesterday, Mike heated up his leftover fish in the break room. Today, Mike is missing. Don't be like Mike.

   Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this whiskey?" Elmer says "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

   If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall; I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

   I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every Culture; is the story of Popeye.

   If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So, sue me."

   I'd rather be rich than stupid.