Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.

   In many cultures, it's considered good luck to be bitten by Luis Suarez.

   can someone please tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian

   Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.

   It's not Adam and Steve it's Adam and “we need to talk”

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.

   Your husband is a in a better place, Mrs. Smith. He's in the stomach of a shark now. How badass is that

   I ask, "when are you due" with impunity because fat chicks can't run very fast, anyway.

   The mile high club is bullsh*t unless you're both anorexic!!

   The stain in the front of women's panties is called "clitty litter."

   Now that they found this missing boy in the basement of his own home, I have to ask: Has anyone recently checked the tarmac for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370?

   People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...

   If someone invites you hunting don't ever fall for the" put on this antler hat. It will attract deer."

   DATING TIP: Date me

   Fact: Men that drink wine coolers increase their chances of getting a yeast infection by 99.9999%.

   SILF - Sorry Liver Its Friday

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   The only thing that puts me off gym is the fear of becoming too buff.

   If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.

   So Ronaldo & Friends, sorry I mean Portugal got knocked out of the world cup last night.