GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I'm tired of winter! I want to fast-forward to complaining about how hot it is!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today. The other 10% made it all the way home.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.

   I'm not turning my clock back an hour on Nov 1st because seriously none of us need an extra hour of 2023.

   I just saw a mosquito with a coat on. They're not giving up!

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?