Funny Status Messages

   'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat

   Why is it always the ugly and fat women that are nymphos? For once I would like to meet a beautiful nympho.

   Some women; They deny sex but demand fidelity.

   Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.

   Getting paid to rate porn. Well, that's the excuse I will give if I am caught watching it. . .

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone... Ain't no Sub when she's away..

   Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.

   In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first

   My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   It's national hot dog day! Time to come and get your weenie ladies.

   You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.

   I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   There is a new strain of Marijuana on the market now. It is called "The Obama". It is very expensive, powerful, and does not do anything