Funny Status Messages
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New Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall movie idea, Coming to America II, with Ebola 
No, whenever there's trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Late night 20 minute conversations with the McDonalds Drive thru guy about those who we aspire to love, the desolate restitution of our youth, and McNuggets. Because adulthood.
convinced I may be a vampire; a steak through the heart would probably kill me.
I watch the Purge tonight and it's not a bad idea.
Ebola guy in Atlanta .....if that does end up being an outbreak, everyone will at 1st just think it's The Walking Dead walkers.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey
When I see a couple sharing the same facebook account I always want to ask them which one of you got caught having an affair
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
The CIA has admitted spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee. They didn't find any.
it was sooo cold last winter that i'm still farting snow flakes in August
If you pour rubbing alcohol on yourself and set yourself on fire while your friends film it and post it in YouTube your an idiot. Your doing it wrong. Use gas
The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
People accept that God exists & created the universe without evidence or proof but if you tell them Facebook is down they immediately check.
I'm just a girl with a big butt, searching for a man who cannot lie.
I bet Ke$ha's parents, €arl and £inda, are super ashamed of her.
The kiss of death is what happens after the "I do's"
Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.
Sorry, but the lifestyle that you ordered is currently out of stock. Please select another... 