Funny Status Messages

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   "Pay attention, 007,,, This might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   I tried to buy a zebra from the zoo and I was told it was not for sale. I said it should be it has bar codes all over it. . .

   Wasn't Al Bundy's toilet also named Ferguson?

   Not one back to school special on beer. Whatkind of world do we live in.

   A Youtube wet t-shirt contest to benefit ALS... I bet the breast cancer marketers wish they had thought of that one...

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   Vodka would never tell me to put my phone down and see a therapist for my addictions.

   Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat.

   Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved

   I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned

   I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.

   Marriage licenses must be reviewed and renewed yearly.

   Officer: Why were you driving so fast? Me: Just trying to keep up with traffic. Officer: There's no one on the road. Me: That just shows how far behind I am.

   Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"? 'Robin Williams, Mrs doubtfire'

   Drinky Poos'- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. Drinky Poos'- What a man has the morning after a night of drinking.

   Cop: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No, Officer. I thought sure that you would know.

   Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a $hit?

   Looking for a girl who goes down as quickly as my phone battery...