Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!

   No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.

   When your boss asks why you’re late. Just shrug and say “thug life.” Bosses don’t mess with thug life.

   Sorry I invited the firefighters to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.

   I'll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when you said there were snacks.

   Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.

   Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?

   So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.

   It's not a crime scene if it was an act of love. Everyone knows that.

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Okay kids don't ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger's houses except on the day we worship the devil.

   I'd like the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of her ass. Where are we on this technology?

   Alicia Keys at the supermarket: "THIS MILK IS EXPIRED!"

   I ate pizza and drank beer last night. Apparently, too much pizza causes a really bad headache...

   "Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though." - american media

   Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.

   Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.

   You may not love me now, but vodka.

   Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?