Funny Status Messages
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I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner. 
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Why can't the ice cream man just get a fu*kin liquor license already
Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Remember guys, if your wife or girlfriend gives great head...she learned it somewhere.
So Oscar Pistorius got 5 years. I knew he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Don't mix V iagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.
In Finland when a baby is born you just throw a bunch of magnetic letters at the fridge and that's its name.
Not sure of what I fear more, getting the stomach flu, or watching another mud smearing political commercial. Funny how both those things involve nausea and vomiting.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a Pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Guy and Girl in a Cars backseat and she says "Kiss me where it smells".....so he drove her to Newark,
In order to make change in your life you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired
I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.
Ariana Grande is just a fancy way to order a medium ariana.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
If you watch a V iagra commercial on mute it looks like a really risky drug that helps you cuddle better.
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently. 