Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   Majority of Religious people have given religion a bad name.

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.

   Nice try whatsapp but I still don't feel bad about ignoring people's messages.

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that if you encounter enemies then you're going the right way.

   I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.

   Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.

   Play Closing Time at my funeral because it's likely I died trying to change the radio station when it came on.

   You're saying, “Capital punishment shouldn't even be a debate. You deserve to be put to death if you take a life." You mean, you’ve never been wrongfully accused of doing something or the justice system is an angel.

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old

   I've got my injury from the Vietnam war, it was from a hunting accident while hiding in Canada

   Former Ravens cheerleader arrested for having sex with 15 year old boy. Apparently her flirting style was to BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE

   "The Force Awakens" ensures the next Star Wars movie is already better than "The Phantom Menace"

   WhatsApp now has 2 blue ticks when the person has read the message. I guess I can't ignore people on purpose anymore.

   WTH?? AC/DC Drummer Phil Rudd was arrested for trying to hire a hitman! Well now I'm disillusioned. So much for AC/DC knowing anything at all about "Dirty Deeds done Dirt Cheap".

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades..