Funny Status Messages
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Don’t text and drive. You’ll misspell a lot of words and people will be like wow I don’t respect this guy. 
I'm starting to realize that in order to have a successful 0rgy, other people must be present
There's a Black Friday sale at my house, pants are 100% off
Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...
Single girls, who are you wearing matching panties and bra for? Singles guys, who are you wearing clean underwear for?
I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.
Colonized means "Inhabited by a foreign race or power." Inhabited means, "Lived in." Foreign means, "Not from your country." Just in case you're struggling with that one, Yank. You're welcome.
What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A lift
Black Friday: Because it's supposed to look like a riot
John Kellogg (the cereal tycoon) founded the Race Betterment Foundation, an organization which planned to sterilize minorities in the U.S.
I hate when I remember I'm not American and have to work tomorrow.
If I offer to take you out to eat and you are rude to the waiter like you are the one paying the bill expect me to embarrass your shameless ass in front of the same waiter.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
today I am thankful that no female member of my family ever asked Bill Cosby to hold their drink for them.
TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the christmas period only!
Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt
Wishing you and your family a happy, stressless, apolitical, irreligious, nonviolent, and painful-childhood-revelation-free Thanksgiving.
Who says you can't make someone love you? I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ. 