Funny Status Messages

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. Who needs help being better than just average?

   Trying out a new diet. It's called "hungry as fcuk all the time."

   No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.

   5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.

   Have you ever noticed that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it?

   You like flowers, we DON'T! We are happy to buy it for you. Don't make us like flowers.

   Please accept that there are inherent differences b/w M & W. Otherwise we would just be called MEN! OR JUST WOMEN. You are better at somethings & we r better at other things. Accept nature & let it be

   Feminist alright: but excluding opening doors, paying the bill, fight a bully, move furniture, ladies first. If those things aren't done prepare for "oh chivalry is dead & wow, such an Ae-hol!" continued.

   Just tried to check my Farmville for the first time in 2 years, apparently I forgot to pay my taxes and the IRS owns it now.

   FACT: Jargon is lingo for slang

   It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over

   Reading new book: Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury

   Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   my anaconda wants what the heart can't have

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood