Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

   The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

   I think humans are smarter than fish. If you were walking down the street and there was a Bic Mac hanging on a hook would you just start eating it?

   True or False: The people who are the most delusional about how great they think their state is are from New Jersey.

   OK. Whose bright idea was it to call it "Boob Sweat" and not "Humidtitties"?

   If you beat up homeless people they can go to the hospital where they will have a warm bed and good food.

   I turned off spell check because I was tired of all my jokes getting urined.

   I'm writing a book on Reverse Psychology. Please don't buy it.

   I had plastic surgery last week, I cut up my credit cards.

   Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

   He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything, that clearly points to a career in public office.

   A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

   I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, fattening or too expensive.