Funny Status Messages
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I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion? 
[Astronomy class] The next star after our sun is Proxima Centauri, at 4.2 light-years away. [Silence] Or 12 CVS reciepts away. [Class] OHHHHHH
A little help here... Preparing for my rap battle. So far I have "I'm rubber you're glue" and a touchdown endzone dance.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this bowl of cereal.
Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!
Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.
I was taught to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they wouldn't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice.. then destroy them.
Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy
Apparently licking a spilled vodka on a conference room table is frown upon.
I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.
How many times can you say "aight" before you can consider the job interview bombed.
Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.
I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.
Swift Justice is just like regular Justice except it will write a song about you when you break up.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
My wife and I have been married so long that I no longer think about other women when we have sex, I think about pizza.
There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
My dinner just consited of beer and trail mix. Being an adult isn't for everyone. 