Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do pizza delivery folks not eat the pizza on the way?

   I'm lucky if I can get into my own pants.

   Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

   Its like that girl doesn't even care that he shorts stopped fitting like 3 years ago.

   I eat far too many Happy Meals to be taken seriously as an adult.

   I know you're supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?

   It’s an employee’s job to respect management but it's managements job to give them something to respect.

   "You drive me to drink!" -I shout at my taxi driver.

   If you love God you are deeply religious, If you love Islam, you are a radical.

   Putting a 60 mph sign on a Mass. highway is really just a waste of metal

   What do Moslim men do during foreplay? A: Tickle the camel under the chin

   I havend't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he's okay.

   Vape pens are the new Crocs

   I'm no mathlete but I can tell you that a 6 year old running at 8 mph after an ice cream truck driving 10 mph files 7.4ft when you trip him.

   "You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.

   "After the Thrill is Gone" is my favorite song about married sex.

   Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that low prices attract many customers.

   I never use my phone as a phone. Not because I don't like talking, I just never forgave them for all the times they kicked me off the internet.

   How you get almond milk? Almonds ain't got no nipples!

   My go-to office prank is to go onto someone's unattended Facbook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, Android or iPhone"