GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   When I say, "I hate drama" I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan!!!

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.

   Not funny... We sprung forward so hard we are back in winter!

   I think we should cancel April Fools this year. There is no prank topping reality.

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   My class essay on internal organs was too short. So I added an appendix.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.