Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, that way it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

   If you happen to see an FBI agent wearing one of Melania’s dresses, post a photo of him.

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.

   They got that $1,200. $600. And $1,400. Back in gas, food and rent.

   The only adult knowledge that a third grader needs to know, is that girls/boys have cooties.

   People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.

   A penny found is worth more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   I prefer 11,000 Keystone XL pipeline workers over 87,000 new IRS agents.

   If we have zero percent inflation, why do we need an Inflation Reduction Act?

   Well…. It’s “we finally got Donald Trump day” again.

   The 5 O'clock news. AKA let's see what the ηiqqers did now.

   My parents were very inspirational, they used to say: “You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

   Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

   Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

   “I just called to say I love you.” -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

   There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

   You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

   Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.