Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am..

   Can someone get the Supreme Court to send Mizzou back to the Big 12

   Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing.

   waving the rebel flag and burning the rainbow flag

   the United states just became worse

   My favourite childhood memory...not paying bills

   You're not truly a Canadian until you've used maple syrup as lube.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man.

   They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him.

   I was sober for 11 straight years. Then I turned 12.

   French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

   Finally Bert and Ernie can quit living in sin!!! #onelove

   Cant wait to see the new Terminator movie ..Rage Against The Vending Machine

   Towel-heads are at it again.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

   *parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"

   *NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.

   When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.