Funny Status Messages

   Women are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

   HER: ''You never listen to me!'' HIM: ''Of course they will!''

   The movie demolition man, is coming true.

   I love seeing all these tolerant people bashing religion!

   Feeling sad is better than not feeling at all. unless you into your feelings....

   Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!

   When asked what's the capital of Greece? Greece is bankrupt and it has no capital.

   I guess I probably shouldn't have said I masturbate to your wife, but I thought the rest of my Best Man speech was really heart-felt.

   When a woman says shes, "old fashioned" I just assume she wears giant underwear and has a tremendous amount of pubic hair.

   Old MacDonald had a farm... and a redheaded goth son named Ronald, that did acid and talked to hamburgers and purple blobby things.

   Running is my second favorite activity that leaves me sweaty and out of breat and disapointed I couldn't last longer.

   You know youre getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   Dating: Bang her like there's no tomorrow. Married: Bang her like she finally said, "Fine, do what you have to. Just hurry up"

   GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.

   The safest place to live in your neighborhood is next door to the serial killer.

   Don't flatter yourself, some people will "LIKE' anything just to get into your pants.

   Shock collars, but for co-workers

   I need to take a time management course. How am I supposed to run drugs, steal jobs AND rape people? Help me Donald!

   I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

   Toby Keith just threatened to "spank the siht" out Ariana Grande!