Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

   My relationship with my cat is like that of a married couple. Basically we fight a lot and never have sex.

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the less popular manwoman.

   I wonder what the bees inside Wilma Flintstone's vibrator talked about: "Another fight with Fred? Looks like we're working overtime again."

   Quick question: can I breastfeed if I've had implants?

   If performance-enhancing drugs aren't allowed in sports then why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?

   Wife: honey the vacuum isn't Sucking. Husband: Frustrating isn't it.

   Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

   50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

   The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

   If global warming was causing guns to melt, we'd all be driving electric cars within two weeks.

   The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

   Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.

   I'd like to be a nudist but we just don't have the weather for it

   When you think about it, Mariah Carey and Drew Carey don't even look like sister and brother.

   I choose what restaurants to go to, based on if they have Mr. Pibb

   Sometimes I wonder if things are getting worse or just more obvious.

   I was just on the Weight-Watchers website and it asked me if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

   Where can I buy a loaf of that jammin' bread that I always hear about in the song..."Tea, a drink with jammin' bread?"