Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The NFL has decided that the Washington Redskins do not have to travel to Dallas next weekend to play the Cowboys due to the fact that we already won the NFC east.

   I just found my old Boom Box. Anyone have 56 D-batteries I can borrow

   My signature move is to watch you leave with someone else and then tell my friends I wasn't interested in you anyway.

   I heard you have trust issues. That's nice. Get in the damn van.

   Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

   I'm a licensed insultant

   If you don't think size matters, I'm giving you the smallest coffee mug.

   "Not sold in stores, available online only" just means "if you ever saw this in person, you'd never buy it."

   Sure sex is great but have you ever stared at your phone all day?

   This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

   Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.

   At my age being called adorable feels a lot like a challenge.

   "Wrong hole" is a matter of opinion

   A home invasion but it's just you staggering in drunk at 4AM because you can't find your keys

   some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

   If you say "Kanye" in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   I wonder if Donald Trump's cell phone has comb-over minutes

   I couldn't help but notice everything wrong with you.

   I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.

   Has gone from eating pigs in blankets, to becoming a pig in a blanket ! 🐷🐽🐷🐽🐷🐽