Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).

   If you don't star the tweet you can't have any pudding... How can you have any pudding if you don't star the tweet!

   Are physical events truly individuated on the basis of spatio-temporal localization, or is this merely a convenient ontological mode of evading the influence of causal powers?

   I just went to print out last nights Powerball numbers to see if I won.... and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   My friend told me Alan Rickman had died. I said "You're joking?". She replied "Nope. Dead Sirius."

   Do strippers in the southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction as strippers in the northern hemisphere?

   RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!

   Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.

   I knew I had about as much of a chance of hitting a lotto last night as getting up and running this morning. That's about the 0%.

   I just checked my account balance at an ATM and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   I shared the status of the power ball winner. I won!!!!! Nothing....

   Crap, only missed the Powerball by 6 numbers.

   I hope the lottery girl pulls out my balls tonight....

   Undercover Boss: Where you tell the world your boss is a moron, then he buys you a house.

   Old expression modification Notice . : .. In addition to netflix and chill, doing Coffee and Cream ;) Has been approved That is all .

   I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. All I use it for is to signal my dealer so he doesn't drive past

   I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...

   There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.

   I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"