Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm down to my last bit of weed, I like to take my time and savor the thought of who will be my first stabbing victim.

   A midget fortuneteller broke out of the county jail. Police report there is a small medium at large.

   My son got a Student of the Month award today. It wasn't his, but still...

   Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club

   Dear justin beiber haters Please respect him.. I owe my life to him last year I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident.. One day my nurse turned on the radio to Justin's song...I got up and turned off the radio

   Hillary Clinton announced she has joined Instagram to help with her campain ..... . Meanwhile .... Bernie Sanders joined telegram.

   Bernie Sanders said recently that he loves taking selfies. Well ... once he figures out how to take them on his rotary phone that is.

   If Trump becomes President of the United States ..... Will he rename the plane .... Hair Force One?

   Most people my age are older than me.

   ..... The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

   Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

   How come when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

   ..... Hmmmm ...... Whay are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

   365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling equals 1 light year

   What one person receives without working for .... another person must work for without receiving

   If there's a woman out there who wants to $exually harass me, let me know.. I will message you my cell # . . .

   I had the scariest dream last night...Donald Trump's running mate was Rosie O'Donnell!!!

   If you'd like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

   My daughter just asked me about evolution in line at Walmart.

   Well, well, well, if it isn’t another worst-case scenario.