Funny Status Messages

   We are all mature adults until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.

   I went to Denny's. I ordered poached eggs scrambled sunny side up over easy. The server spontaneously combusted.

   I had a dream last night that I was taking selfies with Hillary Clinton... and then I started shooting an AK47 in my kitchen at absolutely nothing. Never eat burritos before bed.

   ..... Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid ....

   I can't wait for Trump to start writing executive orders, payback's a b****

   The doctor said, I need to drink more whiskey....also I am now calling myself "The Doctor" now!

   I don't understand why people pay big money for a colon cleaning when they can go to their nearest Taco Bell and order a bean burrito for a buck!

   An UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on beer cans instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know to look for me.

   Kinky is using a feather....Freaky is using the whole chicken.

   Does anyone else clean their phone on their boob or is that just me?

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.

   My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds", so I stabbed him. Now we wait....

   Women plan to look so hot at their wedding that their "something blue" is everyone's balls.

   I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.

   Fact: The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.

   People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can't even finish the joke because they're laughing so hard are my favorite kind of people.

   I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.

   Oh hi Becky, who refused to kiss me during Spin The Bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play Candy Crush, looks like the tables have turned.

   I'm not a morning person, heck I'm not an afternoon person either, I pretty much start fuctioning at about 6 pm.