Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   Next week is my big High school GED reunion .

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   When the Lone Ranger needed cancer treatment, it was chemo, sob, eh ?

   My friend Hugh enjoys puns about 80's music. That's what I like about Hugh.

   I think of Frank Zappa Every time I microwave a hotdog

   Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

   What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

   i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

   It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.