Funny Status Messages

   I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....

   They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.

   In the GPS, I typed "comedy career" as my destination and it took me to the nearest CoinStar.

   Had a nice long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that.

   Rio 2016 Olympic officials change the name of "Zika" to "Zikachu" and now everyone wants to catch it.

   Donald Trump's Economic Team: 1) His accountant. 2) Random billionaire. 3) Omarosa. 4) Wesley Snipes. 5) Bernie Madoff.

   The best part about the Olympics is pretending I know what half these sports are.

   The Rio 2016 Olympics maintain the Greek tradition of spending way too much money and only working a week every four years.

   Show me on the doll where Mommy got botox.

   Hell won't take me because I stopped paying my membership dues in 1998.

   Evan McMullin, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein walk into a bar. No one recognizes them or offers to buy drinks.

   In 1900 the Olympics was opened to women after someone pointed out what they'd be wearing when playing beach vollyball.

   The French gymnast who broke his leg during the Olympics is in good hands, Rio's hospitals have the best leeches and voodoo spells.

   A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.

   DELTA = Don't Ever Leave The Airport

   If you ever feel useless just know that someone out there is a lifeguard at an Olympic swimming event

   Me: I sure do Love watching the Olympic Girls Volleyball Games because they are So Talented. Wife: Yea Right

   And the Lord said, "I shall take short people and midgets.I shall combine the two. And he created gymnasts and saw that it wasn't so good."

   Only you can prevent bathroom selfies.

   I want a Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercial mixed with a Wild Turkey commercial where he's just wasted driving around talking to himself.