Funny Status Messages
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All I want is someone to hug me with the same loving ferocity that Danny Trejo hugged Carmen and Juni with in Spy Kids 
You know you're a dude when at least once you've been in the shower and used your washcloth to clean your shower tiles.
I'd imagine Ryan Lochte's next move will be the backstroke.
Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was robbed at gunpoint by Brian Williams.
My dog spins around 3 times before he pees. From the looks of it, someone in that public restroom must've been doing the same thing.
As if I needed anything else to stress about now I have to worry about kids getting high on something called flakka and chewing my face off.
I drink so much hazelnut creamer that I would think coffee-mate would want to acknowledge me somehow.
I'm not one to brag but....when I perspire, I release a gentle odor of Doritos and bacon.
Looks like Hillary's going to steal the election by using the oldest trick in the book. By getting millions more votes than her opponent.
It must be a great offer since the Prince of Nigeria took the time to write me personally today.
Early to bed, Early to rise, Makes a man healthy, wealthy and without any friends with good after-hours stories.
"From Russia with Love." -Donald Trump's New Campaign Slogan
I can't believe Rudy Giuliani forgot about 9/11 considering it's also his credit card pin.
Rudy Giuliani blames Obama for the Pokemon outbreak and need for Pokemon-Go, "Before Obama there were no Pokemon running around our cities."
You can't say you've really lived if you've never ran through the pottery aisle in a Hobby Lobby jamming to the Less Than Zero soundtrack.
Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M
Deez Nuts: Fictional Presidential Candidate Ahead of Hillary Clinton, Poll Finds
Wooden spoon survivor!
Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.
And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags 