Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into Brandon voters

   Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

   Wondering how can I get my wife the perfect Valentines gift when she already has me.

   I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

   Let's face it, your life's probably not all that exciting if you're looking at your phone all the time updating how exciting it is.

   I watched Biden's SOTU speech at the community clinic in Spanish and it still sucked.....

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   Misery

   Why didn’t we use the Seattle Space Needle to take down the Chinese balloon?

   I'm so country I dim my headlights for on coming street lights.

   Pop two more balloons and we win a stuffed animal... Which ironically, is also made in China...

   Marriage tip 101: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   I order all my food with extra gluten.

   Bad News, Punxsutawney Phil just predicted 6 more seasons of "Desparate Housewives"."

   The groundhog saw his shadow. And then he outran six employees from Golden Corral.

   f I owned a horse I'd name it before riding through a desert.

   So what’s the protocol if my annual prostate exam falls on February 14? Do I take flowers with me for the doctor or what?

   Here in DC Metro, no one really cares about Groundhog Day. We’ve got rats bigger than that.

   I saw my shadow this morning. It looks like it will be six more weeks of dieting.

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day?