Funny Status Messages

   My favorite brand of tent for camping is Marriott.

   Why aren't Cadbury eggs available year round?

   You know your weed man is getting too popular when he has his own Snapchat location filter.

   If we don't build a wall on our northern border, they'll soon be maple syrup and Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

   One of the greatest moments of progress in world peace and democracy was tearing down the Berlin Wall. Only a true psychopath would think building a giant wall is a progressive step in our world.

   People all upset about someone not standing while wearing hats about how America sucks and voting a draft dodger.

   Who needs facts? That's what opinions are for. New political slogan....

   When I see a framed first dollar earned hanging in a business I wonder how many stripper's butt cracks it was in before that.

   Message to Veterinarians: If people are stealing prescription meds from their pets, maybe you should stop prescribing Oxycontin to goldfish.

   Never bring a knife to a gun fight; unless it's attached to a gun; look...just also bring a gun. Matter of fact just don't go to the fight.

   Do you think Magnum the ice cream bar company and Magnum the condom company ever feud about who's is bigger?

   Donald Trump met with Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto this week, so Trump can tell him how great the Mexican food is at Trump Tower.

   I just yelled "Yo Joey" at the Springsteen concert in New Jersey and 2/3rds of the crowd turned around.

   Fish food is a one time purchase. If you go through more than a canister in 10 years your fish has an eating disorder.

   Chris Brown allegedly pulled a gun on a woman. I'm shocked because he said he was sorry when he beat up Rihanna.

   Not only would I vote taco trucks on every corner, I'd vote for one in my living room.

   A lot of women love the "bad boy" mentality, so today I wore tennis shoes but had no intention of playing tennis.

   If I were a dwarf, I’d be Gassy.

   Donald Trump's father's favorite song was "This Land is my Land, This Land is my Land."

   Melania Trump suing a newspaper and a blogger for $150 million over allegations she was a hooker means her pimp would get 90% of that money.