Funny Status Messages

   A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....

   ... Rule #1: The Police Officer is ALWAYS Right. ..... Rule #2: If the Police Officer is ever Wrong, refer to Rule #1

   Chris Hansen walks out at the end of Willy Wonka and starts asking questions about luring children with candy.

   Facebook suggested I join a Skeeball league. That's something where it'd be sad if you were already good. "Yep, I hang out in mall arcades a lot."

   The flight attendant said put on my mask first before helping others. No problem. The guy next to me is shoeless so I want him dead.

   North Korea only has 28 websites. Even worse, the list includes MySpace & 27 Kim Jong-un fan pages.

   To the Mayor of North Carolina: Corey Feldman could clear the streets with one song.

   Sometimes I worry my wife will exclaim "let's go vegan!" and I'll have to sneak out in the middle of the night and take the kids with me.

   My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed “You’re psychic” to “You’re psycho.”

   Angelina Jolie has had her breasts removed, her ovaries removed, her Fallopian tubes removed....and a large Pitt.

   Who decided that the phrase should be “I’m getting dressed” instead of the more masculine “I’m getting trousered”?

   Did you know 4.8 billion people own mobile phones whereas only 4.2 billion own a toothbrush.

   Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach offer unwanted advice in related Facebook groups all day.

   .... OK ... Let me get this straight ... The best way to honor a poor dude who got shot by cops is smash store windows to get your new Flat Screens and new iPhone 7's .... Did I get this correct?

   Must be hard playing Wheel of Fortune in Canada when everybody is constantly saying "A"

   .... I remember way back when parents and schools made it a point to teach kids how to behave around cops ... and hardly anybody got shot by police ....... Boy were we weird.

   .... Don't do Crime .... Don't resist Arrest ..... Follow the Officers orders .... Won't get Shot!

   Trying to eat healthier. Anyone know how many beers I have to drink to get all my daily vitamins?

   My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

   I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.