Funny Status Messages

   Most murder victims are killed by someone they know. So stay safe by living a life of heartbreaking solitude, devoid of human contact.

   Trump's smart, he doesn't pay taxes. Sniff. Russia, China and 400 pound people may be out to get us. Sniff.

   I removed a "ha" from a "hahaha" in a text so I wouldn't send the wrong message about my enthusiasm.

   Just decided to let my hair grow out. Partially out of curiosity but mostly because cutting it isn't worth the risk of the barber making small talk.

   If a few years ago I'd have told a therapist I was having dreams that this election was happening I would've gotten some really good drugs.

   Assume that anyone who is undecided at this point is trying to choose between Hillary and suicide.

   One really positive thing about 2016 is that it has to end.

   Stop blaming Millennials. This election has clearly proven that people of all generations are awful.

   Watching documentaries on Netflix has actually taught me that there's no time to chill. Crazy stuff is going on out there.

   I miss the '70s. The music. The clothes. The fact that I wasn't born yet.

   A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?

   If there is a god out there, it is his duty and responsibility to prove his existence to me. It's not a fellow human being's job.

   Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.

   Visiting my parents today. So, ask me anything about local news.

   One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.

   No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.

   I crash my bike every time I ride it to the pharmacy to pick up pain meds I need for all the injuries from my crashes. It's a vicious cycle.

   One time I used essential oils and after 7-10 days my cold was gone, it was incredible.

   The year is 2027. Thousands of missing women are unable to be found because they look nothing like the pictures they post on the Internet.

   Bad news guys, candy corn doesn't count as a vegetable because technically corn is a grain.