Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

   I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for the “after” photos.

   I set my phone to airplane mode. It just now tried to charge me 20 bucks for a bag of peanuts and a Sprite.

   Oh, you want a free college education? Please tell me how serious you took your free high school education.

   I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say, “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

   This would look ALOT better in the toilet” -toddlers

   ell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.. Life is too short!

   Now that "Cocaine Bear" has been a hit and they are working on "Meth Alligator." I can't wait for the next installment, "Marijuana Sloth." A 7 hour slow-paced movie about a vicious Bradypus with the munchies for murder.

   With the way 2023 has been going I couldn't decide if wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog

   I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service. ‬

   You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

   It's tax time. Every time we drive up to our new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You two weren't tailed, were you?"

   Bike week is near. Vrooom.

   I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

   The worst thing about being a vegan farmer is having to wake up every morning and go milk the almonds.

   So I think I came up with a new kind of coffee. I call it the mayo latte. A regular latte with a touch of mayonnaise in it.