Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

   Powdered Donuts

   Starbucks at 8am closely resembles the waiting room at a methadone clinic.

   Are we going to address how awful Ja Morant's rap game is?

   These kids today have no idea how to enjoy a book like we did in the good old days. (We watched the movie on a VCR the night before the exam).

   Losing weight is a great idea except for two things. The eat right and exercise part.

   Tip: There should be an observation deck at Walmart

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   So if the Eagles play a concert at the stadium in Philadelphia, how do people know if they're going to a concert or a football game?

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.

   Unless you’re looking for self-inflicted emotional and/or physical impairment, you should perhaps not come to me seeking relationship advice or instructions on how to do a cartwheel.

   क्या कोई मुझे अजीब स्थिति संदेश वेबसाइट पर निर्देशित कर सकता है?

   هل يمكن لأي شخص أن يوجهني إلى موقع ويب مضحك لرسالة الحالة؟

   Podría alguien dirigirme a un sitio web divertido de mensajes de estado?

   Alguém poderia me direcionar para um site engraçado de mensagem de status?

   Quelqu'un pourrait-il me diriger vers un site Web amusant de messages d'état ?

   I'm currently in the process of getting my groove back. Please standby!

   There are so many candles on my birthday cake, the Girl Scouts are gonna show up, form a circle around it, and sing Kum Ba Yah.

   If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever win out over the Yorkie.