Funny Status Messages

   Ryan Lochte is going to be a father, which proves that no matter how stupid you may be, it only takes one strong swimmer to get somebody pregnant.

   Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.

   This is getting serious folks .... According to a report in Washington Post unnamed sources in the CIA are reporting that according to hacked e-mails, Vladimir Putin was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.

   Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   it is it Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, Chanuka, Chanukkah, Hanuka, Channukah, Chanukka, Hanukka, Hannuka, Hannukkah, Channuka, Xanuka, Hannukka, Channukkah, Channukka, Chanuqa, Khanuká, or חֲנֻכָּה‎?

   My therapist says I'm paranoid. Which is exactly what you might expect to hear from a shape-shifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts after they planted a microchip in my brain.

   Know what makes me mad? When I get a Cornucopia that has no corn or ucopia.

   Listening to terrestrial radio nowadays is the equivalent to plugging into someone else's IPod.

   TGI...Oh Crap, it's only Wednesday.

   Please God all I want to crave is lettuce, amen.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.

   Swimming is basically having fun trying not to drown.

   I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the children's ball pit at Macdonald's. Not funny, grow up.

   Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn't."

   Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.