Funny Status Messages

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   "I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here."

   I wonder how long buffoons like Spicer and Kellyanne would last on the Apprentice?

   At our family weddings, we always watch our senile old grandpa to see what dumb thing he will do next. Now Trump fills that role for the whole country.

   I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?

   NEWS UPDATE: Donald J. Trump has dropped Mexico, China and Iran from his enemies list and added the 9th Circuit Court and Nordstrom.

   Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600

   You want to know why Trump is so pissed off? Its because the whitehouse smells like coconuts and piss.

   Lady GaGa is performing with Metallica at the Grammys. Sounds like its gonna be an hour of Trump bashing and a couple crappy songs I downloaded on napster 15 years ago.

   I was on the shopping network. corrections FoxNews. When did the WhiteHouse becomes QVC?

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.

   When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.

   I found a way to lower my bills - I quit paying them.

   uh excuse me, I'm just here looking for the Democratic Restroom.

   I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.